What happens in placement stays in placement

I hope you have a cup of tea or something to drink and eat whilst reading this because this is about to become a rollercoaster of emotions and events.

As I was in my first year of the education foundation year we had to go on placement for one month in November. We got told this by email and then they emailed us a preference list. I put in that I wanted to be in Key Stage 2 ( years 3, 4, 5 and 6). I assumed this meant I would get the class I wanted because I do not see the point in putting me in a classroom where I do not want to be. My background in working in a school is that I worked in every single year group already. I knew what I wanted and thought I would get it.

I was very nervous about going to placement, but I knew that I was able to do it. However, I woke up for the day of my induction day and my friend said she wasn't able to get in because of the harsh weather as she was driving in. This already made me nervous, but anyway, I thought I knew how to get to the school. I hopped on the bus and another coursemate of mine told me when to get off, however, the bus was not stopping at the place he said. I ended up taking the bus to the other campus, getting off and had a mini panic attack. I then got on the bus to go back to the other campus, I then contemplated getting on the right bus and going to the school but I was already an hour late.

I went back to the accommodation and went to sleep. I woke up with 3 missed calls from the university. They were worried because I never turned up for placement. I emailed my academic advisor, who then told me to email the head of placements. I got a phone call again from the university and they told me off for not making it in, despite me telling them I got lost and had a panic attack.

On the weekend, my boyfriend and I took the bus to the school so I knew where it was and how to get there. We also found a cool shop which sold amazing snacks, I knew this was going to be a good place with the snack shop around the corner.

Monday arrived and I got up at 5:00 am because I could not sleep, I made my breakfast and then got the bus at 6:00 am. I was 45 minutes early and had to wait outside the school for my coursemate to show up. My friend was not able to get to school as she was unwell that day. I had to sit in the office and wait for the safeguarding leader to go through all the paperwork with me. A few comments she made did not feel right, for example stating that teachers always back teachers up no matter what, and then repeated no matter what twice. She also indicated that students had gone missing from the school a few times and a few safeguarding incidents involving the school had happened. I felt a little uneasy. I was taken to my classroom. When I stated I wanted to be in Key Stage 2 I did not expect to be taken to a year one classroom.

I went in and the teacher was doing phonics, so I had to sit on a chair with my bag and coat. I looked around the classroom and noticed some of the children in school uniform, some in their clothes and one girl with her coat still on. I was confused and shocked already. The class teacher then got up and left and the next teacher came in. All the year one classes and year 2 classes mix for phonics. It was so different from what I knew. I then said I was going to be observing from the back of the classroom. I was asked to go out at break time, which was so awkward as I did not know the rules and all the kids wanted me to run around however.

On the first day of placement, I went on a quick school trip with the class, I was put with one child who had extra needs. I was not informed of the child's needs, so I had to quickly guess what was going to be needed in the situation. We got back and had lunch and then after lunch, they had assembly. I was put with another child who had extra needs. This child was so rude to me, she actually called my mum fat and then decided to be extra loud and rude in the assembly hall. After assembly the child decided to run away from me, I did not know this school at all so I had no clue where the child was. After some time the child finally returned to the classroom.

I had such a long and busy day and felt so tired and disliked the school, I felt there was no structure to the day and the children were allowed to do whatever they liked. I came from a school with very high standards and was not used to anything lower.

The next day I had 6-10 panic attacks before going and was nearly sick multiple times, so I took the day off because I was drained. Unfortunately, this occurred every single time I tried to go into placement. This became a problem for my mental health and started taking a toll on my relationship too.

Every morning we would wake up and I would decide if I was okay enough to get in. Most mornings I could not do it. It would upset my boyfriend and then that would upset me and we would separate ourselves for a bit because it was all too much for us together. I started to develop more depressed feelings and did not want to leave the bed and all I did was cry and barely eat or drink.

There was one other time I did go in, my boyfriend gave me a ring of his to have for the whole day. This was incredibly helpful, it made me feel closer to him.

The second time I went in, I was put in a different year one classroom. This was a lot calmer but the children still had so much free play and there were more tantrums in this classroom and aggression too. I did not feel confident or comfortable at the school.

I was sent an email by my academic advisor and the head of placement. I had a meeting with them and they suggested I stopped placement altogether, but something like that had never happened before and the school asked for me to never return as well. They stated this school was one of their best partnerships.

I understand that the university needs schools for placement however I think my mental health should have come first and it was not spoken about much. I was told to my face that adults do not have mental health problems and I needed to get over myself. This was very hurtful and I did not feel my needs were considered at all. I tried explaining everything, however, they preferred their university reputation to be first.

I am proud of myself because I tried every morning to get up and go and sometimes it did not work, however, it has made me a better person today and helped increase my confidence without even realising it. I also met the rest of my coursemates and became closer to them too.

Quote of the blog:

This quote is inspirational, I know that I did not respond to my feelings very well, however, it was something out of my control. Depression was not something I could control, however, I did try every morning. It has made me grow and become a better person and I am hoping my next placement has a better outcome.