My Mental Health Crisis

A massive trigger warning is being put on here, a lot of mental health talk and explaining my situation further in more detail and depth. I will not be offended at all if you skip this blog, I would never want this to make anyone upset. I am in a much better place now, this is just what happened.

During everything going wrong with my placement, I stated it was taking a toll on my relationship as well. I have never been in a relationship and I have a lot of baggage from since I was born up until I was in the moment. I had no idea what to do. Was I supposed to tell him everything? Would everything upset him? Would everything bring back bad memories? Would he break up with me? Would he think I am too much? Am I too much? These are only some of the questions that occurred in my head one morning.

I had not gone to placement, and he was upset that I was not able to go in. I took myself off to my bedroom and I sat on the floor and cried for a while. I felt so lost and felt that nobody around me could even see me. I knew I needed to get out and go for a walk because I had this anger and sadness inside of me that was not going anywhere.

In June of 2023, I started vaping because I was feeling stressed out and upset about lots of other things. I decided to go to the vape shop and buy a vape in the pouring rain and sit in the park near my university contemplating my life. I do regret posting things on social media though because I kept posting on my Snapchat messages like my life is over and once my battery is gone so am I. It must not have been nice to see other people and draw attention to me that I did not want. In the moment there and then I just wanted to die. I could not continue with the emotions anymore. I punched the ground over and over again and felt awful.

I started shivering so badly, that I knew I wanted to return to university and crawl in bed. My mum and sister had gone onto my dad's iPad and found all the messages I had put on Snapchat (simplycc04). My mum tried calling me but I denied her calls because I could not tell my mum anything that happened. After all, I did not want her to feel upset or disappointed.

As I did not pick up, she rang the university and conducted a welfare check. Just before the accommodation officer arrived my boyfriend arrived as he had not realised what even happened that morning. The accommodation officer knocked on my door and asked me multiple times if everything was ok and because I said it was, she left. I then called my mum and said I was safe, but I did not want to speak about anything.

I had a long nap as I felt exhausted from the morning and then when I woke up we went to get dinner. He then texted my mum on Instagram letting her know I had eaten and I had slept a bit and was in a much calmer place.

After dinner, he noticed in my room I had a vape. This sparked a bit of an argument, but he realised in the moment it was something I needed and something we did not need to speak about. Later on that night I spoke to my flatmate and said that I had a lot to get off my chest from the past and I was not sure if I needed to tell him everything or if I tell him in little bits.

In the end I decided to write everything down, it took about 2 hours and then I asked him to lay down with his eyes shut whilst I told him everything. At the end of it he sat up and gave me a hug and a kiss and that was that. He said we can talk about this another day, for now I want to show you how proud I am for getting it all out.

My mental health started becoming happier and feeling safe. I spoke to the doctor and got put on some medications to help with the panic attacks and the low mood feelings. I was proud of myself for getting help and to this day I am still proud of myself.

Also I quit vaping within a day!

Qoute of the blog:

Someone quoted a bit of this in my TikTok (simplycc04) comments stating mental health does not define you. This quote is so true, I sit here reflecting on what happened, but that was not me, that was negativity taking over my body.